I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
