dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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