I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i've created a new STD.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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