there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
