I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
