Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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