You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
