My sheets look like a crime scene.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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