I'm going to rape someone's good day.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
