Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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