I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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