I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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