dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
