Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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