I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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