My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
