I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
