Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
