Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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