just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
