Porn is love you can see.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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