I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
