Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
