i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
