Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize