I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize