Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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