Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
