pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
