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Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
