What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize