I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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