Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
