totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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