Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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