how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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