I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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