Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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