Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
