You smell like a Billy Joel song
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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