So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
