im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
