I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
