I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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