I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
