Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
