i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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