Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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