Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
