I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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