Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
