Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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