my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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