I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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